The following is a transcript of the weekly production meeting between Synapse Media Group President J.B. Wilcox and Head of Production Joe Hanlon.
Wilcox: (speaks very quickly in a rapid staccato) Alright Hanlon. What do you got for me?
Hanlon: (very laid back) No new business really. You hear about that guy from Pirates taking a swing at that Bieber kid? Would have loved see that one up close?
Wilcox: Johnny Depp? Doesn't strike me as the punching type.
Hanlon: No the other one.
Wilcox: Who was that again?
Hanlon: Orlando Bloom.
Wilcox: That guy? Of all the people to step up and have a go at that kid and it's f***ing Legolas? What's next? Paul Giamatti gonna suplex Vladamir Putin?
Hanlon: I don't know, Bloom is British. Aren't bare knuckle boxing fights and soccer riots a regular thing there?
Wilcox: Yeah but that Bieber snot always travels with an entourage. No kind of sporting contest to be had there. Did I ever tell you about the time I fought Marlon Brando?
Hanlon: Do you mean "I could'a been a contender" Brando, or "You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks" Brando?
Wilcox: Damn it Hanlon! How many times do I have to tell you? I make entertainment, I don't watch it. Can the trivia!
Hanlon: I meant which version of Brando. Young and scrappy, or fat, bald and drugged off his tits?
Wilcox: Silly question, as a point of principle I never fight someone in worse shape than me. That way if I maim or kill I can't be prosecuted.
Hanlon: I don't think that's how the law works.
*Sound of knock at door*
Wilcox: Burton! What do you want?
*Sound of door opening*
Wilcox: I'm in the middle of a very important meeting, this had better be good.
Burton: (meek and soft spoken) A large bald tattooed gentleman named "Shanxz" -I think spelled with an "x" and maybe a "z" at the end - is here with your..."medicine". He's very insistent on being paid in cash and I don't have ten thousand dollars. He strongly implied that he would cut me if I didn't retrieve you.
Wilcox: Tell him I'm in a meeting! The amount I'm paying, he can afford to wait a few minutes. If he gives you any problems you just step to him, grab his balls and twist! That's how I've won many a negotiation! And get him some coffee or something why don't ya! Just because someone has threatened you with mutilation is not cause for rudeness. Oh and Burton...
Burton: Yes sir.
Wilcox: Assuming he spells his name in some nutty way is prejudice and I will not have it! I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you to sensitivity training. The last thing I need is people saying we're politically incorrect around here. I will not have my people judging others based on names, tattoos or drugs they may or may not be dealing. Now get out!
Burton: (faintly) He said he would cut me...
Hanlon: Have I just been made an accessory to something?
Wilcox: Grow up Hanlon! This is Hollywood, this town wouldn't run if not for a steady supply of bulls**t and barbiturates. Now what were we talking about? Oh yeah, the fight. We should see if we can buy up the rights to it. Get on that will you?
Hanlon: You want me to secure the movie rights to a bar fight?
Wilcox: No, dummy! You buy up the rights to an article about the fight. Make sure it's got a snappy title. We change a few names to avoid litigation and we've got ourselves a picture!
Hanlon: So you want me to secure the rights to the story of a bar fight -an event where literally the only notable thing about it is that it was two famous people - and you want to make a movie about it changing the names?
Wilcox: Knew you'd be on board. I'm giving you the green light on this. Full throttle! That's why you're my top guy!
Hanlon: I'm just gonna go ahead and take that as half insult and half compliment. If I may sir, there are a few problems with this.
Wilcox: Problems already? Pre-production just started! Damn it you incompetent buffoon! Red light! What problems?
Hanlon: Well for one, there was no actual fight. It was one punch that didn't land and it was just a minor squabble over a woman they were both connected with and this whole thing will blow over in a couple days and they'll forget about it. Not really worth the time and money.
Wilcox: A woman you say? That adds an element of romance. Green light, you just saved this production you slick son of a bitch! You think we can get them to play themselves, or will we have to cast on this one? I'm thinking Johnny Depp as not Orlando Bloom and wasn't there that guy that spent $100,000 on plastic surgery to look like Bieber? I'm betting he would be willing to work some of that off.
Hanlon: Sir, with all due respect, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean what article could I possibly buy to make this interesting? Maybe I could go find a copy of the Weekly World News at the supermarket and buy up the rights to an article claiming that Bloom was an Illuminati assassin, and Bieber was actually a lizard person?
Wilcox: No! We stay away from the Illuminati. I still owe them money. But the lizard idea intrigues me. Double green light! You're my guy on this.
Hanlon: Why do I keep forgetting you don't get sarcasm? So, I'm gonna go out an produce a feature length film based on a 5 second bar fight? Even if we got Zack Snyder to direct and he shot the whole thing in slow motion, it's would still be a bad idea.
Wilcox: So we'll add some things to pad the length. Lot's of explosions, and special effects. Maybe a sub-plot about vampires or zombies? They're big now.
*Knock at the door*
Burton: Sir, sorry to interrupt again. Mr. Shanks - with an "s" - gave some pills to Charlie from the mail room. He seems to think his skin is melting off and is trying to fight off security with a hat rack.
Wilcox: Can't you see we're in deep here? We are creatively fertile Burton! And you do not interrupt when we are fertile! Now unless there are fatalities, I don't want to see you until this meeting is over. Remember! Grab the balls and twist if you have to.
Wilcox: Where were we?
Hanlon: You were saying that making a movie about this is a bad idea and we shouldn't do it.
Wilcox: Was I? Well then it is, and we shouldn't. Sorry to have to shut you down like that but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to red light the whole picture.
Hanlon: Well sir, I defer to your judgement. I'll try to get over the disappointment.
Wilcox: If we want to make real money here, we should be thinking television event! One time only, prime time event! Get these two nambys in a ring and let 'em go at it. It'll be classy, like the fights I used to run back in the day.
Hanlon: I'm gonna hate myself for following up on this...You used to to promote boxing?
Wilcox: No, not boxing. Greco-Roman style! I used to promote underground fights in parking garages and what have you in my younger days to earn some extra cash. It was a league that took down on their luck transient types and pit them against each other to fight over a night's stay in a hotel room. For the winners, I'd slip the security guy at the Marriot a fifty and he'd let them sleep in the car park and scrounge the trash. Sometimes I would get in on the fights myself. They used to call me "Ball Twister Wilcox", that's how I knew to do that.
Hanlon: (disgusted) You made homeless people fight each other like Bumfights?
Wilcox: Those hack thieving bastards stole my idea! We did it classy. Ring girls, ropes, the whole thing. Final card I ever booked, me and Brando as the main attraction! I tell ya, for a guy who could hardly stand before the bell rang, he was a tank if there was a hot meal in it for him. I made a cool hundred grand selling the tapes. Produced my first picture with it.
Hanlon: (hushed) Jesus...Please tell me you don't still fight homeless people?
Wilcox: Nope! Retired undefeated! I faced some of the toughest hobo fighters you ever saw. Three-Finger Willy, Slackjaw, Odorous Pete, the Waggler, Stewpot Steve...
Hanlon: Not that I'm trying to change the subject to...anything else at all but, out of curiosity, who do you think would win in a fight between you and me?
Wilcox: (more wound up than usual) Excuse me. What's that supposed to mean? You think because I'm older now I can't go anymore? I think someone's itchin' for a ball twistin'. You young pups always want to test the big dog huh? Well all you gotta do is ring the bell Hanlon! I'll strip down, grease up and take you on right now! You don't know wh...
(At this point, Wilcox got up from his desk and moved too far away from the Dictaphone to transcribe this next part in it's entirety. I have pieced together what I could make out.)
Wilcox: (inaudible)....not afraid of some little punk....(inaudible)....(inaudible)....beat your ass you little....(inaudible)....humble you like we used to do in the old country...(inaudible)....(inaudible)....and you'll be happy we put on the grease....(inaudible)...
(Wilcox moves back behind the desk.)
Now is that what you want?
Hanlon: (flustered) Sir, I really don't want...any of that. Please put your shirt back on and put down the grease.
Wilcox: (calms down instantly) Oh, alright then. If you change your mind just let me know. What were we talking about again?
Hanlon: How there's no new projects to discuss and we should end the meeting early.
Wilcox: Good thinking Hanlon! Green light on that. That's why you're my best guy!
*End of recording*